Audio Transcript
Pastor John, several listeners have emailed to ask this question: How far is too far for an engaged couple to go sexually before marriage?
This is a really important question. Our culture is awash in sexual titillation. You can hardly open your internet without some advertisem*nt on the side awakening some sexual desire. You can hardly watch an a TV program or go to any movie without some kind of titillation. It is really amazing what we are having to deal with these days. I think it is crucial to ask when a young man and a young woman (or an older man and an older woman for that matter) begin to hang out together, what should they do physically?
The Bible is our guide and our authority. It does not have a single sentence somewhere that says, “Ok, engaged couples, or couples that are starting to date, here is what you can and can’t do.” The way we have to approach it is by putting together truths from the Bible which lead to some conclusions. Let me try to put together a few of those.
Sex Is Good
Number one, sex is good. I don’t want to start with mainly bad or watch out. Sex is good. The days are coming, according to 1 Timothy 4:3, when people are going to forbid certain things including marriage because marriage has that ugly stuff called sex. Paul explains further in 1 Timothy 4:5: “Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer.”
“Sex is good, and to be enjoyed only in marriage.”
Surprisingly, this says good sex is for Christians. It is for people who will give thanks for it. First Corinthians 7:3 goes on to say, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” First Corinthians 7:5 goes on to warn only to abstain from this sexual intimacy briefly, lest Satan tempt you, which means by the way, that it is not just for having babies.
God put sex in our lives for other deeper, personal, and satisfaction reasons. And, of course, the amazing text that all men love from Proverbs 5:18–19, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” So clearly sexual touching is a good thing, biblically. That is number one.
Sex Is for Marriage
Number two, sex is to be enjoyed only in marriage. First Corinthians 6:18 says “Flee from sexual immorality.” The word is πορνείαν, that is, fornication. There is a difference between πορνείαν and μοιχεία. Μοιχεία is adultery and πορνείαν is fornication. There is illicit sex in marriage; it is called adultery. And there is illicit sex before marriage; it is called fornication. Don’t go there. “Flee from it,” says Paul.
Or in 1 Corinthians 7:9, Paul says, if they can’t exercise self-control, they should marry, because this phenomenon — this wonderful thing — called sex is designed to be satisfied in marriage.
One of the reasons for is that the physical union of sexual intercourse is meant to be the physical capstone of an emotional, spiritual union in a lasting covenant. We are not animals. Sex has roots and branches penetrating all our being, and it affects all our being.
We have tried to abstract sex from the covenantal, deep, personal, emotional, spiritual union of a man and a woman in our movies and in our literature and our advertising. It is wreaking havoc all over the world.
“Avoid sexually awakening touching and kissing. They are designed as foreplay, not play.”
Women are more whole than men in this regard. Women are wired to want more plainly than men the holistic dimensions of sexuality. They don’t want to be treated like mere animals for men’s animalistic satisfaction. They want a relationship. They want this thing to have personal dimensions and covenantal commitment dimensions.
It is sad to watch so many women in the media be drawn by the demands of men into a more animalistic way of treating sex than in this holistic, personal way.
So, marriage is where God means for that beautiful, whole commitment and covenantal, deep, personal, spiritual, reality with a capstone of sexual intercourse to happen.
Not Just Actions
The third observation is that mental sex is meant for marriage. Jesus said, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). This means that doing sex in your mind — looking at a woman and thinking through some fantasy where you get into bed with her or take off her clothes — is not supposed to happen.
You are supposed to gouge out your eye rather than let that happen because that is meant for marriage. You are supposed to have mental sex in marriage as well as physical sex.
Those are the first three biblical observations. Now here is an experience observation to put with those before we draw some conclusions.
Sexual touching is designed by God and experienced by most healthy people as prelude to sexual intercourse. That is what it is for. It is extremely frustrating to start touching sexually and have to break it off as the passions become strong. Those touchings and that passion is meant to take you all the way. God designed it that way. It is called foreplay for a reason.
Guard Yourself
Now here is some implications. My big therefore. Don’t put yourself in the situation where touching is sexual before you can biblically go all the way. That is, don’t put yourself in a situation where there is an awakening of the desire to go further and further.
“Women, if you can keep a man only by letting him touch you, he’s not worth keeping.”
So my principle would be: Avoid sexually awakening touching and kissing. They are designed as foreplay, not play.
I think, to be specific, that would mean touching breasts or touching genitals. I can’t imagine any normal person saying, “Oh, touching breasts and touching genitals is just not sexual for us. It is not going anywhere.” That is just crazy.
It was designed to go somewhere, and it is a beautiful thing if you are in the situation of marriage where it can go somewhere. So, when the symphony is for marriage the part of the symphony called prelude is for marriage.
I would suggest that men and women getting into a relationship that they think is going to be serious talk about this with each other. They need to decide for themselves how they are not going to tempt each other to have sexually awakening touching and kissing.
I would plead with men. Be strong here, and set a pure and holy pattern. Don’t make her be the one to bring it up or to put on the brakes. Lead her in purity.
She will love you for it. In due time, she will give herself to you in a more complete and beautiful and whole way because you have prized her enough not to use her in an unbiblical, sinful way.
I would say to the women. Don’t entice a man to touch you thinking that this is the way to keep a man. He is not worth keeping if that is the way he is kept.
Feel free to say to any man, “No. Don’t. Please, don’t take us there.” You can discern what kind of a man you are dealing with by how sensitive he is to that dimension of purity.
Worth the Battle
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8). That is what we want. We want to see God. We want to see him in our beautiful, sexual relations in marriage. I think married couples who have been the purest also can have the sweetest and best experience of each other and experience of God in marriage.
One last word. If a single person is listening to this saying, “Oh, all very nice. I am not married. There is nobody on the horizon. What am I supposed to do?” I want to say one thing.
Don’t feel second class. Jesus Christ is the most complete human being who ever lived, and he never had sex. Not to be married and not to have sex is not to be an incomplete human being. One can be the completest and most fruitful and whole human being, like Jesus, without having sex.
FAQs
The truth of the matter is that there is no right or wrong length of time to wait to get engaged. Some couples wait six years before making it official, while others date for just six months—it all depends on your unique circ*mstances.
How long do couples date before marriage? ›
Most couples date for two or more years before getting engaged, with many dating anywhere from two to five years. Once the question is popped, the average length of engagement is between 12 and 18 months.
How soon is too soon to get engaged? ›
This might not come as a shock, but there's no exact timeline for when you should get engaged. You may hear some "love at first sight" couples say you can get engaged after a few days, while experts may say wait three to six months.
What is the level of intimacy before marriage? ›
In general, there is no appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage. It all depends on the individuals involved and their principles and values. For example, two individuals might decide that kissing and hugging are the only activities they will engage in before marriage.
What happens when a man waits too long to propose? ›
One lasting side effect for taking too long to propose is that your partner may begin to feel resentful. They may feel as though something must be wrong with them that is making you not want to pop the question. Or they may start feeling like you just don't value them or take them seriously.
How long does it take the average person to propose? ›
We determined that the median engagement age in the United States is 27.2 years for women, and 28.7 years for men — a 1.5 year difference. Furthermore, the median amount of time a couple dates before the proposal is 3.3 years.
How long is the honeymoon phase? ›
The honeymoon phase is an early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. It usually lasts from six months to two years and can be marked with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates.
How long do people wait to get married after getting engaged? ›
Brides.com suggests that most weddings are a year or eighteen months after the engagement. That's why so many engagements happen in the winter months, they said. They also suggest you wait three weeks or a month after the engagement before you jump into planning a wedding.
Is it too soon to propose for one year? ›
Is one year too soon to propose? Once again, it depends! Some couples may feel ready to marry after one year, but for others, it may seem way too fast. Make sure you and your partner agree on your relationship timeline before getting down on one knee.
How soon is too soon to say love YOU? ›
While men tended to consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month or so, women tended to say it was better to wait 2 to 3 months or so. Confessions of love generally inspired feelings of happiness, but men felt more positive about confessions that happened before the relationship became sexual.
“The ideal age to get married, with the least likelihood of divorce in the first five years, is 28 to 32,” says Carrie Krawiec, a marriage and family therapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy, Michigan. “Called the 'Goldilocks theory,' the idea is that people at this age are not too old and not too young.”
How long should a man wait to propose? ›
One in five people (20%) say that couples should generally date for 12-18 months before getting engaged. Another 15% say they should date for 18-24 months, while another 15% think two to three years of dating is ideal. Women tended to be more slightly cautious than men.
What is the highest form of intimacy in a relationship? ›
Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can't trust that you won't reject me, I'll never be able to share my deepest self with you.
What is the highest form of intimacy? ›
The highest level of intimacy, requires the greatest amount of trust in our relationship. It is only when we feel truly safe with somebody, that we become willing to share the deepest core of who we are. It's up close and personal.
What are the 4 stages of intimacy? ›
In relationships, four types of intimacy are key: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.
What makes a man not ready for marriage? ›
He doesn't show interest in getting to know your family
A man who wants to marry you will go out of his way to make sure they establish some sort of relationship with your family. If your man shows no interest in forming a relationship with your family, that is definitely a sign that he's not thinking about forever.
How do you know if he will ever propose? ›
The most telling sign he's planning to propose? He makes plans that are a little too secretive or vague – like a weekend trip to Paris or the beach, a reservation at an exclusive restaurant or a rendezvous at any place that: has personal significance for the two of you or for him (like where his parents got engaged)
How do you know if someone doesn't want to marry you? ›
20 signs he's never going to marry you
- He doesn't move the relationship forward. ...
- He's told you he doesn't ever plan to get married. ...
- He downplays the seriousness of your relationship. ...
- You haven't met his family. ...
- He becomes defensive when you ask about the future. ...
- He makes continuous excuses not to get married.
Some people don't feel the need to plan ahead; they are comfortable with the notion that something can make them happy for now — even for a long time — without wanting to commit beyond that. Others are all about long-term commitment but take issue with the legal institution of marriage.
What is promise rings for girlfriend? ›
A promise ring, sometimes known as a pre-engagement ring, is given in a relationship to signify commitment. Whilst for many young couples a promise ring means a vow of an engagement ring to come, others may simply use it to show their loyalty and devotion to their partner.
Ring in the year
In the US, nearly 40% of engagements happen in the two-and-a-half months between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day, according to a survey of 18,000 people.
What is the 3 month rule? ›
The three-month rule prescribes that people should put potential partners through a trial period, during which the partner is evaluated on how good of a fit they are. A TikToker with the username Manifestingbabe spelled out the three-month rule.
What are the 5 stages of a relationship? ›
- The Honeymoon Stage (Up To Six Months After The Relationship Begins)
- The Uncertainty Stage (Six Months Up To Two Years)
- The Adjustment Stage (After Two Years)
- The Commitment Stage (After Two Or More Years)
- The Acceptance Stage (After Five Or More Years)
"The right time is when you are both in agreement that you want to take your relationship to the next level," says therapist, marriage coach, and relationship expert Lesli Doares, LMFT. "You've talked about what living together means. You both feel comfortable with the agreement and can commit to abiding by it."
Is it better to live together before marriage? ›
Premarital cohabitation is considered a factor in the decrease in divorce rates. Living together before marriage enables couples to vet one another's compatibility before walking down the aisle and parting ways if they're not a match. This reduces the chances of separation after.
What is the average marriage last? ›
10. The average length of a marriage in the US is 19.9 years. While the national average marriage length is just under 20 years, couples in Maine and West Virginia typically have the longest-lasting unions. The typical marriage in these lasts for 22.3 years.
How many engagements fail? ›
The average engagement is 12-18 months long and about 20% of all weddings are called off after engagements. There could be several reasons for calling off your wedding such as: Uncertainty about a relationship. Pressured to get married.
How fast is too fast to get married? ›
“It's best to wait until at least 3-6 months to see if the feelings you have are for real or just a fading spark of lust. You need to have emotional and rational feelings towards one another.” However, award-winning relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan said that it's never too soon.
When should you not propose? ›
To ensure that you get the response you desire (an excited “yes!” in most cases), avoid proposing during these times.
- A particularly sad or stressful time for your partner. ...
- While celebrating someone else. ...
- During a work-related event. ...
- In the middle of or right after a fight. ...
- When he or she is distracted.
The national average age for marriage today in the United States is 27 years old for women and 29 years old for men. This, of course, varies from state to state. Most people will marry between the ages of 25 and 30. Women get married at a younger average age than men get married.
One in five people (20%) say that couples should generally date for 12-18 months before getting engaged. Another 15% say they should date for 18-24 months, while another 15% think two to three years of dating is ideal. Women tended to be more slightly cautious than men.
What is the average amount of years before proposal? ›
Read on to see what we found! We started where it all begins and asked respondents how many months had elapsed between their meet-cutes and engagements. We discovered that, on average, couples date for about 30 months or just over 2.5 years before engaging!
Is dating for 10 years too long? ›
Contrary to popular belief, staying together for extended stretches of time is not always a prerequisite for a happy marriage. Recent research has revealed that people who date for ten years or longer before getting married are more likely to divorce than others who don't wait as long.
Why do some people take so long to propose? ›
Fear…of commitment, of change, of loss of freedom. Probably the #1 reason a man hesitates to propose is because of some kind of fear. To be honest, he may not even experience this fear on a conscious level, nor would he label it as fear. But fear can have many disguises.
Is 2 years of dating enough to propose? ›
Earnshaw offers a shorter time frame—she says people typically date for about two years on average before getting engaged—but she emphasizes that every relationship is different. "I have worked with couples who have gotten engaged within six months and those that have waited much, much longer."
Should I get married if I have doubts? ›
If you do find yourself having doubts before your wedding, does that mean you definitely shouldn't get married? "No," says Lavner, "but you should pay attention. You know yourself, your partner and your relationship more than anyone else does. If you're having uncertainty, then you should talk about it."
How long should you wait to marry someone? ›
A study found that waiting a bit to get married can decrease the likelihood you'll get divorced. Specifically, waiting three years or more decreases the likelihood of divorce by 50%.
Is proposing after a year okay? ›
Is one year too soon to propose? Once again, it depends! Some couples may feel ready to marry after one year, but for others, it may seem way too fast. Make sure you and your partner agree on your relationship timeline before getting down on one knee.
What are the hardest years of dating? ›
The first year of the relationship is the hardest stage, and even when you're living together, you still discover new things about each other every day. How to Survive: The key to getting past the discovery stage is also discovery. The discovery of your partner's imperfections and your imperfections as well.
What is the hardest year of a long term relationship? ›
The “three-year itch” is a term used to describe challenges that may arise in the third year of a relationship. Based on theories about the stages of love, this theory argues that relationships often end or start to experience conflict around the third year.
Now, back to that magical age when you might meet the one. According to Match.com's findings, women are more likely to meet that special someone earlier in life at age 25, whereas men meet their match closer to 28. However, 50% of the folks the website surveyed all meet their partner at some point during their 20s.
What is the longest engagement before marriage? ›
Their aggregate age at the time of the ceremony totalled 191 years 126 days. The longest engagement on record was between Octavio Guillan and Adriana Mart¡nez. They finally took the plunge after 67 years in June 1969 in Mexico City.
How a man acts before he proposes? ›
A guy who is ready to settle down thinks of himself and his partner as “one”. If he starts talking about things you both love, enjoy doing, or like to try together, it's a classic sign that he's ready to propose. When he refers to you as “we”, it's like saying you are an inseparable part of him.
